The Space Between Deciding and Result
The 10,000 Foot View - Beartooth Wilderness, Montana
This piece started off as one thing, but as time went on, I realized it was something else entirely. I have been contemplating fear; actually, it has been on my radar quite a bit lately. In fact, several of the pieces I have published here lately have touched on fear, around the edges anyway. So that is what this all started as, but I then realized it was more about being decided and the uncertainty that inevitably creeps in. It is about being able to hold open the space of uncertainty, not knowing, just sitting in it. And you sit with it because you are completely decided, decided in what you are doing and where you are going.
It seems, for many people, that it is not a comfortable place, the unknown. In fact, most of us do everything we can to escape it, run from it, find certainty. It is sort of an illusion really, because certainty doesn’t really exist, but rather it is certain outcomes and known situations our mind is comfortable with. I feel like this is my superpower. While it’s not always comfortable, it seems like I can sit and live in the unknown longer than most people; that is my story anyway. I am not exactly sure where it comes from, but I suppose deep down on a soul level, I simply know and trust that within the space of the unknown, it is always happening as it should.
The unknown, uncertainty, is the place that fear develops and lives. When our mind is left in an open loop about a future it can’t reason out and predict, many people would describe this as pain, and it manifests out as anxiety, unstable relationships, and depression. This is where being completely decided, 100% in, comes into play, because once you are all in on something, anything, you realize the stuff in between is simply what has to happen. Anything worth doing or having is like this. Once you have committed yourself to a path, completely decided upon it, it is never a straight line to get where you are going. There are going to be ups and downs, lessons, hard times, moments where you question if it is even possible. This is the space we have to learn to be okay with, the uncertainty in the moments between decision and result.
Let’s just hold all that right there and dig into fear a bit. I can’t really explain it. Well, I can, but I won’t. Most of you probably wouldn’t believe me anyway! Recently, as in the last month or so, it is as if I am seeing and feeling it everywhere. It is being reflected to me through others, such that I can see and experience their fear. All of this has been an interesting awareness that has come to light recently, and in that reflection, it has given me insights into the places within myself where I am still holding on to fear.
What I want to get into here isn’t so much about me necessarily, but rather to just look at fear in its nature. What is it exactly? Where does it come from? And what is it telling us? Fear exists within each of us. To say we are not scared of anything would be not only untrue, but also deny the nature of our experience. We all have fears! What I am interested in is what they are telling us, where they can lead us. Within the fear is work we still need to do. The joy and peace we seek is always just behind the darkness we don’t want to face.
While some fear, such as those that manifest out into the external world, such as fear of spiders, snakes, or heights, can sometimes be faced head on by simply confronting the object of the fear, the ones that live deep inside us, that are more about ourselves, our inadequacy, or self-worth, some future projected loss, not being loved, being alone, not being enough, our own judgment of ourselves, can’t really be faced head on that well. In fact, the more we lean into them, the stronger they get. It is just the nature of our minds. The more we think about not being enough, the more we show ourselves we are not enough.
When we really want something, we try to force it to be so. Energetically, this is exhausting, and it can work on some level, but when it comes to the journey within, facing fears and doing the hard work, it is futile. The more you want something to not be, the more it is. This is how the thing works. You can’t think your way out of anxiety, for example. That’s like trying to solve a drinking problem by drinking more. The trick is to, in a very unintentional way, just not care anymore, but even “trying to not care” is still forcing it. You can’t force it, because if you do, then you are just doing the same thing in reverse.
I sometimes refer to this as the “stickiness” of the mind. This is where anxiety develops, where we become so consumed in resistance to our circumstances that the mind gets stuck in a loop. The move is not to believe you need to “fix” something or conquer some fear, but rather to just know it is already done. To have complete faith that you are already the thing your mind has decided you need to be, because the truth is, you already are. This process isn’t about logic, thinking, learning, or becoming, but rather letting go of shit, moving on, remembering that you already are that thing. You are everything.
The way through these fears is to accept them, forgive ourselves, and anybody else we need to forgive, and transform them. The moment we decide we are not going to hide from them anymore, that we are going to love these fears, that we are going to forgive ourselves for having them, is the moment we begin to shift. It is the moment we can love ourselves not in spite of our fears and insecurities, but because of them. Embracing and loving your darkness makes your light even brighter.
Fear, as a thing, is an illusion. It is only real because we give it space to be real. It is simply inherent in the balance of the duality that is this reality. Beyond all this, there is nothing to fear. We are simply the ever-changing and evolving energy of this universe we live in. There can be no fear in that. It is in our separateness where fear develops. It develops as a means to explore the depths of your being, your soul. This is the journey within. Looking at that fear in the face and, rather than hiding from it, feeling it completely, asking yourself the question: what is in there for me to learn and understand? Looking deeply into the unconscious mind and bringing those fears to the conscious mind.
Our willingness to sit in the unknown and uncertainty is exactly the thing we need to do to get past the fear, to see through the darkness. The more that we can hold that open, live inside of it, the more comfortable the mind gets with it. And the more comfortable the mind gets, the more it opens up to the light on the other side.
We are not alone. Within the confines of our mind, we tell ourselves that we are, that somehow these fears that we have are somehow worse or different than anyone else’s. Let me tell you something: you are not different at all. Some people carry them differently. Some people put on a good show externally. Some people hide behind mind-altering substances. Some people wear their fears for everyone to see. Some people lash out and cause suffering for others. Some of us project them out and onto everyone else, and some people just keep leaning into them to learn as much as they can. If you are human, living in this limited reality, somewhere inside you exists fear. It is nothing to be ashamed of or hide from, and as soon as you can acknowledge its existence, and forgive yourself for it, the sooner you can get on with loving yourself. We can stop letting our fears project into our reality, into our life, because fear, like everything else, is an energy, and like any other energy, it has the potential to be destructive or creative.
Let’s circle back around to this whole subject of being decided. This is the secret sauce to everything we ever dreamed possible. Once we are all in on something, we decide, then we begin to take action and the universe lines it up for us. But between here and there, decision and result, we have to sit in the unknown. There will be moments where the mind tries to convince us that it won’t happen, it’s impossible, or we should be scared. But if we are truly decided, then we can sit in that unknown as long as it takes for the universe to put the necessary pieces in place. All too often, we are not truly decided, and then when the doubts and fears creep in, we abandon the path, just as things were beginning to take shape for us.
No matter what you are afraid of, what you are hiding underneath, call it out by name, and then come back to the truth: you are already enough. You have always been enough. There is nothing to fear. What you really are can never be destroyed. It is infinite and timeless. So be decided, all the way in on whatever you dream about, look fear in the eye, and sit in the unknown for as long as it takes for it to be so.
Joshua
