The Little Boy in the Shadows
Somewhere in the Sacred Valley, Peru
This crazy beautiful life of mine, it is more than I ever dreamed possible, this week finds me back in Mexico, back with the Pacific Ocean with all it’s healing energy. There is just something about it, the smell of salt in the air, the fresh ocean breezes, the sand beneath my feet, all of which grounds me back to the beauty within each moment of this life on planet earth. Within this moment, I am on a bit of writing tear, in fact the keys on my laptop might be smokin’ at this point, but anyhow, filed away in the dark recesses of my computer were several half finished ideas I had been planning to publish here. Decided to metaphorically dust them off and whip them into something for you to read, so here you go…
I suppose this thing I want to talk about is really about nature, our nature, the nature of consciousness, it is one of the features of being a conscious being in this reality. One can only wonder if animals or other mammals have such a voice in their head, I sort of doubt it, because if they did, they would probably have the ability to manipulate the world around them in the same manner our consciousness allows, but that is just speculation on my part. I want to talk about that voice that lives in our head, in my case a little boy, since I am a man, and ladies feel free to just interchange “little boy” with “ little girl”, this voice is often referred to as our shadow. Which makes sense, you can’t see him or her, it sort of not so quietly does it’s thing from the shadows. I like referring it to as a feature of our consciousness, because it serves a purpose, it has a role, and in seeing that we can begin accept it, rather that resist it, despite how problematic it can be to manage.
Deep inside all of us, as a feature of our consciousness, is this little boy, our shadow, who’s view on the world is based purely on fear and finding safety. It really is childlike, but without the playful nature, unless we have intentionally tapped into that part, much like a child it tells stories that may or may not be true. It lies to us regularly to get what it wants. It fears the external world, it’s scared of being hurt, scared of being abandoned, fearful for all things that are new, but it is especially fearful of how it might be judged, yet it judges without hesitation. It lives out it’s entire experience in the past and future, never in what we are doing right now, it is never in the present moment. From its viewpoint it is protecting us, and for many, they believe that voice is who they are. The essence of their existence is the voice in their head along with all it’s stories. Do you believe you are the voice in your head? It is an very existential question, are you the voice in your head? I encourage you to really think about it, let it playout fully.
You might be asking yourself, what is the point here, like “no shit dumbass”, but that is the point. It’s easy to see and it’s so obvious, but yet, why is it so hard to do the things we know are “good” for us or “right” for us, whatever that means, and whatever that might be, such as eating healthier, exercise, or leaving relationships that no longer serve us, we need to look no further than that little boy in our minds and his stories. The mind will always resist what is “good” for you… Over the last few months, I have been in a wrestling match with this thing, figuring out how I continue to navigate the path that is unfolding in front of me, quite frankly it feels like I am living a double life, facing the truth that I actual am, and this little boy is not sure what to make of that. But I’ll come back to that later…
I suppose I have come to accept the following, that little boy is never going away, no matter how much I want him to, no matter how much I fight with him, he is never is going home, this kid is going to be living in my house for the rest of this experience. It seems that in resistance to him, he only becomes stronger, bolder, and the stories grow bigger and even more outrageous. While the energy that flows from and through him can be challenging at times, that little boy is offering up something very valuable for us if we listen. In some ways he is giving us the answer to the test, if this experience was some sort of test, which it is not, it’s more similar to a game, but that is also a whole other story. Whatever it is this little boy is resisting, we need to dig deeper, move the rocks out of the way so we can see underneath, because within that darkness are our fears, under the rocks is truth. Whenever that little boy is throwing a fit, spewing his lies, whatever it is telling us to be afraid of, is exactly the thing we should do, that is thing intended for us.
As with any relationship, our relationship with that little boy is all tied to our thoughts about him and how it makes us feel. The challenge he poses is even more complicated than a relationship with another being, because he is part of us, we can’t run away from him, it can be challenging to see the line, to not get caught up by his story. But by moving away from resisting him, or just blindly listening to him, and rather appreciate him, accept him, and love him, and know that no matter what, he will always be there for us, we can make peace with the boy, and get on with our lives. Learn to receive what is meant for us, and let go of what is not.
One thing I know to be a certainty, because I have tried to do it, you can not run from this shadow. You can travel anywhere you want, he comes right along with you, you can buy possessions to feel happiness, he is still there, distract yourself however you like, doesn’t matter, he will remain, in the end, there is no running from him. The only reasonable path forward to face him straight on, in the present moment and in each moment that arises. We can choose to believe him or not, doesn’t really matter, but we can’t run, because wherever we go, whatever we choose to do in the life, he comes along for the ride.
It was only by doing the exact opposite of what that little boy wanted did this blog come to life, in fact, he spent the better part of three years talking me out of it, “you can’t do that”, “what will people think”, “it’s to risky”, but I eventually took the leap anyway, and damn glad I did. It is the voice of this little boy that I contend with in everything I write, from one perspective or another. Always in there somewhere judging it all, fearful, making up it’s stories. Some of which probably have some inkling of truth in them somewhere, but in order to create something, let true creativity come though, one can’t listen to that voice.
As I mentioned way back in the beginning, I am in Mexico this week, living the other side of this double life of mine, one that is clearly taking me on a wild path, a medicine path, filled with the traditions of indigenous people, ancestorial knowledge, and learning about plant medicines. A few months back, I was asked to serve medicine, Ayahuasca, at a Retreat, and to be perfectly honest, I am not even sure how to even begin talking or writing about that experience, I will simply say this for now, it was quite the honor to be asked, then to have experiential understanding of how plant medicine works with and through the person serving it in harmony with that persons intention, the medicine they carry in their being in other words, that whole thing takes my understanding of this universe we live in to some different level, unimaginable level. So that is the path I am on, helping with another Retreat this weekend, then in the fall, I head to Peru with my teachers, Maestros, to do my Dieta and begin learning the ways of the plants, on a path to being a Maestro myself. I never looked for any of this, I never set out to serve medicine or do any of this, it chose me, and that is what it does, it chooses people for reasons we can’t necessary explain nor understand in the moment, and while that little boy is still in there spewing his lies, telling me all the reasons this is bad idea, I will keep walking and trusting this path the universe has laid out in front of me.
While I do have some understanding about what I have signed myself up for heading to Peru to do La Dieta, I have heard many stories, but I have resigned myself to just accepting that really I have no idea what to expect. We will be in Sacred Valley for some portion and likely deep in the jungle at some point as well, and I know it will be physically and mentally challenging, I know more than likely, I am signing up for the most challenging experience of my life. I am excited about that, forging head first into the unknown and potentially uncomfortable, lights a fire in my spirit! I have been feeling the pull to do this for more than a year, and now it is very real and is all happening.
So I ask you again before I close this out. Who are you really? Who is driving you?
Joshua
“The ego is an exquisite instrument. Enjoy it, use it— just don’t get lost in it” - Ram Dass
